She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize