the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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