I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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