You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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