he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
