I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
