I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
