Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
