During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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