just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
