You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
