why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize