if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
im on a boat
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