The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
