We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So. Much. Porn.
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