I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have already put on my inside pants.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
