I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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