we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
