Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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