i think i have two assholes
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
