The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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