why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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