Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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