I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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