shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
