Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
