IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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