Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
