he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The air was thick with penises
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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