i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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