Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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