seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
