I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
