when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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