I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
