somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
