You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
