I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
