I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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