I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
