Betty ford says i'm here all night
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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