i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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