Betty ford says i'm here all night
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize