I heard we made out
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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