I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
