What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
