yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
