Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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