on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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