it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
