Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Randomize
