his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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