I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
