And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
