so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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