38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
