I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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