His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
