I heard we made out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
