Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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