I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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