i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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