i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize