i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
